I have this thing…
I become extremely angry when I try to help someone and they push against it. It is not personal...or maybe it is.
Growing up, I constantly wanted to help my family and they constantly rejected me. I was the child that always wanted to help. I did chores when no one asked, I always asked for more and more responsibility at a super young age. I just wanted to help and make everyone’s lives easier. I think its partially because I grew up as the child whose father abused his mother. See growing up with my mother’s family I was perceived and a monster basically since birth. I was constantly reminded that my father was a terrible person and that if I didn't play it safe, I would be just like him. That truly was the start of my depression as a kid.
Constantly being reminded that I was a “bad” child due to my hyperactivity and intrigue in understanding things and basically being reminded nothing I do would ever be right. So as I got older, I just turned off that helpfulness and began just focusing on myself. So much, that now I only know how to fully help myself and when I try to help others, if they reject my helpfulness I cut them off. Which is definitely not healthy, but the best coping mechanism I have to protect myself. This does not work well for friends and is definitely terrible for dating, but I refuse to be in a “-ship” with someone who does not want me to help them when I see them struggling. I am trying my best to work on it, but I just really can risk opening my heart to love someone and they refuse. It takes me back to remember when I lived with my grandparents and my grandmother made me feel like I could never clean a dish correctly, or cooking and preparing a family dinner while my mom and aunts went to the casino and it was unnoticed.
I would rather live by myself and fully alone before subjecting myself that type of feeling.
Sunday March 17, 2017
2 weeks ago my boyfriend and I got into a huge arguement. I’m still mad about it so I asked for space because literally everytime I think about him I want to punch him In the throat. I know it sounds harsh but he went above and beyond to completely piss me off to the point where I really just want to end it all. Like I was mad mad. I still am.
THIS NIGGA WILL NOT LET ME BREAK UP WITH HIM.
This is not the first time this has happened. There has at least been 1-2 other times where I am over it and ready to call it quits. He does not let me. To be fair, even when I suggest it, it not really the end all. With all previous exes, I have always emotionally removed myself before the actual breakup and pretty much just wait for a moment that seems feasible for a breakup and then finally I pull the trigger. With this one, I haven’t done that. For the longest time, I could never figure out why...maybe growth?
But then I had to truly look at both of my backgrounds and understanding. He comes from a 2 parent household, military brat, both loving but strict parents. Went to decent schools was a bad as hell as a child and was constantly whooped.
Then there is me...single parent household (with a lot of help from my grandparents), good child, but due to more than likely undiagnosed ADHD (I have ADD, so I’m sure when I was younger it was ignored). Was constantly emotionally abused a child due to the ignorance my my mother’s family. My father's family (including himself) was pretty absent for the most part. Went to elementary/middle school and then went to the “roughest” school in the city and came out on top because...BAD BITCH, i know lol.
But he constantly has been exposed to parents and their 25+ year relationship/marriage. As well as his aunts/uncles having long marriages. On the other hand, I haven’t seen a long lasting relationship besides my aunts...who all except 1 are divorced due to their husbands cheating. So besides my mother’s siblings...I saw my grandparents marriage which was a good 30+ years in the game before I was even born.
I saw all this because, I do not know what I want to do. I have not seen or understand what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. No one taught me. No one was an example. There really aren’t any books on the matter about how queer dating is supposed to go. Being that I also don’t have a mentor in the area sucks so I’m just grasping at straws at this point and hoping that it works.
Maybe couples therapy...is it the right time? When does one consider couples therapy? I hate this shit...
So its 2019!
How are those New Years resolutions holding up?
Not so well huh…
For me, 2018 was interesting. I started the year sick for a month, and then working not so exciting projects, getting “fired” from a side project and just not having the time to even deal with anything. Towards the end, work go intense and I am still dealing with it. We can say 2018 was meh…
Well...I was able to maintain a serious relationship for over a year! So yay me!
2019 has started like the momentum in my life is picking up. I went home for the holidays and now I am fully back into all the drama I have avoided for over 8 years. Plus I had to “come out” again...even though I came out when I was 22...but that is a different story for a different blog post, hahaha
I am currently in flight to Germany so I finally have a break from work. So I wanted to drop a post just to say I love all of you for supporting me!
I am getting things back on track with my blog and overall life! So stay tuned.
For those who do not know what the “Talented Tenth” is, here is a quick reference for you:
The Talented Tenth” was an essay written by scholar, writer, social activists and CAU Professor W.E.B. Du Bois that discussed the idea that the African American class would need to cultivate a class of exceptional leaders through classical education to empower the African American community.
In the time that this was written, it made great sense. African Americans were not allowed to receive an higher education, access to adequate housing, or any type of support. Now, that we have those opportunities, but there are bigger issues stopping us from become our best selves. The first being the potential financial burden that comes along with going to college. The other being the lack of reaching back in the African American community to pull up others.
Let’s go to the park…
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars…
I love this song. I even love singing it at karaoke.
Like, it’s one of my go to songs in my vocal bible.
As much as people love Public Displays of Affection...I despise them.
I know a lot of my friends considers me a “strong friend” and yes I have occasionally reposted things on social media about “Checking up on the strong friend”.
Damn. It’s been months since I actually wrote something. I’m still around, but I’ve been swamped with work, the new house, my personal life, all the shit. Adulting is hard as shit lol.
BEEN HANDLING SOME THINGS
ITS ON ITS WAY THOUGH
THANKS FOR ALL MY READERS FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME
LOVE YALL FAREAL
So like most jobs, I get semi and annual reviews. Which is fine except...my job gives horrible critiques to me. Now for years, I have been pondering on why is that.
As the rise of the millennial generation in the work industry increases,
it seems that baby boomers aren't too excited.
They call us privileged and spoiled and want everything now
instead of “working hard” and “waiting their turn” like they did.
I just want to be successful
Not successful like a family, 2.5 kids and a canine
But like t4he Miranda Priestly,
you know the devil wears Prada, divine
Like think about it...the most powerful woman in fashion
Gave some dork the chance because of her passion
So shout out to the “Go Forth and Adult” podcast for this next article. On today’s episode, each host took an online test about Love Languages.
So I decided I wanted to take the quiz as well and see my results. The quiz itself wasn’t too bad, took me about 10 minutes. The quiz is actually tied to a book which is pretty cool. I may add it to my Black Excellence Booklist, who knows.
But I digress...here are my results:
In the past 2-3 years I have seen a true shift into how we defend each other and resist other cultures. A few weeks ago, we saw neo-nazis terrorizing the city of Charlottesville, Virginia where people were being threatened, attacked and demeaned beyond measure. The only causality, a young Caucasian woman who was struck by a car for being an anti-protester. When Heather Heyer was named as the victim that died I can only imagine that there were 3 reactions in the white community:
My self confidence has been at a low for a minute now. I just don’t feel like I am as handsome as everyone has told me. I know what you're thinking “Wow, this guy is vain as fuck.” I really am not, but that was one of the only compliments I got growing up.
NEVER BE THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM...
IT WILL ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF YOU...
I have been dwelling on this for a LONG time. I HATE that term, never be the smartest person in the room ONLY APPLIES TO AVERAGE LEVEL PEOPLE. Since a child, I have always been the smartest person in the room. My job literally causes me to constantly be the smartest person in the room. Even if people are smarter than me, I STILL ACT AS IF I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM.
But I digress...
Nah, F**K that
WHY I STOPPED WATCHING THAT BULL SHIT
So in January, I did a media cleanse where I stopped being on social media. I started 2017 on the right foot, no stress or drama, just peace and quiet..or so I thought. I replaced reading my timelines with reading the news and i must say , it was actually pretty similar to being on socia media. Trump was in the midst of being inaugurated. It was downright depressing.
Webster Dictionary defines manners as follows:
manners plural : social conduct or rules of conduct as shown in the prevalent customs Victorian manners
For centuries, manners we are sign of class and distinguishes the difference between people with regalness and people with no real couth. After traveling the world, I have realized that different cultures have different manners and that is ok, but I want to focus on American manners. We have several unofficial rules that are supposed to be instilled into you from birth on. Unfortunately, as generataions pass on, some of these manners are not being passed down, mainly due to individuals wanting to be “different” from the generations before them. With time, comes change, but now...we are at a all time low when it comes to American Manner Practices. As I travel the country for work, I have observed Americans and how they interact.
It’s crazy thinking about how people move to major cities and just expects that they are famous because of their experience. We are all searching for our own light and humility with confidence in your talent goes a long way.
In the realm of the “newly” discovered term “intersectionality” and the uprising of the free spirited Generation Y, a period of self realization is happening amongst the masses. With this, I decided to take some time to reflect and meditate on my intersectionality as a Black, Bisexual, College Educated Man of Eclecticity (not sure if that's a word, but it works) and I have found out the root of the problem...BLACK MEN ARE PROMBLEMATIC.
On Memorial Day I turned 27. This yeah I decided to write a letter to my 7 and 17 year old self. I think it's necessary to look back on your life and reflect. I remember 6, 16 and 26 were all rough years for me but I had to remind myself that 7 and 17 were me coming over rough times in my life.
To 7 year old Erick-Joseph...
Yesterday was the first day I did not have a single moment of feeling depressed in a full 24 hours. For those who don't know, I have been battling depression for 10+ years. Some days are great others are terrible but overall I'm finally making the proper strides to bettering my mental health.
Well yesterday was one of the best days I had in a long time. I woke up at like 12:30 due to the partying I did the night before. I walked to the bathroom to get get my morning started and I remember I took off my dread sock (It's like and Durag but for locs) and ran my fingers through my hair. As I looked in the mirror all I could think was “Damn, I'm handsome as fuck” and I was truly feeling myself while looking in the mirror.
For those who don't know, I travel A LOT. Mainly for work, bit occasionally for fun. Today was not one of my fun trips. I also live in Atlanta, which house probably one of the largest airports in the world, meaning A SHIT TON of people with frequent flyer status. About 85% of people with status are white, and within that 85%, 77% is male, within that 77% about 40% are douchebags, but are you really surprised?
Between May 8th & 11th of 2017. I experienced 5 of these douchbags inadvertently and in this post, I will walk you through each one.
A story on based on the love of my life, if they existed...
I had a random thought this week. I wondered what my friends thought about me and how they would describe me as a person. So I decided to just ask them. I sent a simple statement “describe me as a person”. From there I gathered all the responses. I asked about 20 people who I consider a friend or deeper. Even asked a couple of exes I'm cool with (one was super petty, but whatever). The friends range from less than a year to almost my entire life so it's a pretty broad range. From there, I took all the words and created a wordle to see which words stand out (also, I didn't feel like counting each word they use. The best part about it is that wordles automatically makes the most used words bigger. So I'm going to go over some of the big words as well as the smaller ones