I have this thing…
I become extremely angry when I try to help someone and they push against it. It is not personal...or maybe it is.
Growing up, I constantly wanted to help my family and they constantly rejected me. I was the child that always wanted to help. I did chores when no one asked, I always asked for more and more responsibility at a super young age. I just wanted to help and make everyone’s lives easier. I think its partially because I grew up as the child whose father abused his mother. See growing up with my mother’s family I was perceived and a monster basically since birth. I was constantly reminded that my father was a terrible person and that if I didn't play it safe, I would be just like him. That truly was the start of my depression as a kid.
Constantly being reminded that I was a “bad” child due to my hyperactivity and intrigue in understanding things and basically being reminded nothing I do would ever be right. So as I got older, I just turned off that helpfulness and began just focusing on myself. So much, that now I only know how to fully help myself and when I try to help others, if they reject my helpfulness I cut them off. Which is definitely not healthy, but the best coping mechanism I have to protect myself. This does not work well for friends and is definitely terrible for dating, but I refuse to be in a “-ship” with someone who does not want me to help them when I see them struggling. I am trying my best to work on it, but I just really can risk opening my heart to love someone and they refuse. It takes me back to remember when I lived with my grandparents and my grandmother made me feel like I could never clean a dish correctly, or cooking and preparing a family dinner while my mom and aunts went to the casino and it was unnoticed.
I would rather live by myself and fully alone before subjecting myself that type of feeling.