Sunday March 17, 2017
2 weeks ago my boyfriend and I got into a huge arguement. I’m still mad about it so I asked for space because literally everytime I think about him I want to punch him In the throat. I know it sounds harsh but he went above and beyond to completely piss me off to the point where I really just want to end it all. Like I was mad mad. I still am.
THIS NIGGA WILL NOT LET ME BREAK UP WITH HIM.
This is not the first time this has happened. There has at least been 1-2 other times where I am over it and ready to call it quits. He does not let me. To be fair, even when I suggest it, it not really the end all. With all previous exes, I have always emotionally removed myself before the actual breakup and pretty much just wait for a moment that seems feasible for a breakup and then finally I pull the trigger. With this one, I haven’t done that. For the longest time, I could never figure out why...maybe growth?
But then I had to truly look at both of my backgrounds and understanding. He comes from a 2 parent household, military brat, both loving but strict parents. Went to decent schools was a bad as hell as a child and was constantly whooped.
Then there is me...single parent household (with a lot of help from my grandparents), good child, but due to more than likely undiagnosed ADHD (I have ADD, so I’m sure when I was younger it was ignored). Was constantly emotionally abused a child due to the ignorance my my mother’s family. My father's family (including himself) was pretty absent for the most part. Went to elementary/middle school and then went to the “roughest” school in the city and came out on top because...BAD BITCH, i know lol.
But he constantly has been exposed to parents and their 25+ year relationship/marriage. As well as his aunts/uncles having long marriages. On the other hand, I haven’t seen a long lasting relationship besides my aunts...who all except 1 are divorced due to their husbands cheating. So besides my mother’s siblings...I saw my grandparents marriage which was a good 30+ years in the game before I was even born.
I saw all this because, I do not know what I want to do. I have not seen or understand what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. No one taught me. No one was an example. There really aren’t any books on the matter about how queer dating is supposed to go. Being that I also don’t have a mentor in the area sucks so I’m just grasping at straws at this point and hoping that it works.
Maybe couples therapy...is it the right time? When does one consider couples therapy? I hate this shit...