My self confidence has been at a low for a minute now. I just don’t feel like I am as handsome as everyone has told me. I know what you're thinking “Wow, this guy is vain as fuck.” I really am not, but that was one of the only compliments I got growing up.
I was constantly picked on because I was smart, I was fat, I was sensitive, and the list goes on and on. Dealing with these self confidence issues, throwing in my depression and lack of a social life right now because of my work schedule has pretty much left me single as fuck, stressed out, and my weight going up and down. It's mad annoying.
Having attractive friends don’t help either, they could be the center of attention at a gathering and you are faded into the background. It's crazy, am I jealous of my friends? Could this really be happening? Well it would not be the first time. Not to mention, they people hitting me up and flirting are usually not my type or something is missing with them.
After my last ex, I no longer date anyone who isn't working on their whole self. Meaning, if you are not constantly working on your mental, spiritual, emotional, financial, and career self than I do not want to be bothered. I can not date someone who isn't trying to constantly better themselves. I know my worth and my partner or partners need to understand that in order for us to make it we need to constantly push ourselves to the next level, but i digress to my thoughts about my beauty.
I have always been super self conscience of my size. I have always been a big, awkwardly shaped person that never understood how my body grew into this. Like fareal, its crazy. I always had to settle for these people obsessed with dating someone who is big which is weird to me and very objectifying. I do not body shame nor do I refuse to date someone based on their body. Face, yes, I mean, I have to wake up to that every morning lol, but body wise I'm pretty open. It crazy though that I have to constantly remind myself that my body is beautiful regardless of how much weight is on there. I looked in the mirror today and I was so happy and content with how my body looked I smiled, which never happens. Even though I was at a party the night before and no one even gave me the slightest attention. I was smiling.
The craziest part about this whole phenomenon is the fact that I was questioning my looks. The very essence of what keeps me going. I am not saying I have the cheekbones of a Greek God or anything, but I am one handsome son of a bitch and the fact I let the world try and change my perspective on that is ludacris. But where are the role models for me?
In this new trend of BBW and black girl magic, it seems the world had forgotten the male side of things. I have found that we have to self motivate and start are own trends and looks to ensure that we are being represented. I will never be at a size where it wont be hard to shop for things. I have accepted it, but I actually love it. I wish there were more people like me that are represented in the media.